Alone
by prettykitty473
Summary: She should've told him in the car, shouldn't have hesitated. If the crash would've come a few seconds later… But she still wishes she could've told him. Before all this. Before time ran out.


**Hey guys... Don't know if you've heard (you probably have) but Cote de Pablo isn't renewing. So this... this is my version of the end. It's my first angst, and... I guess I hope I've done this justice.**

**I don't own NCIS**

* * *

She should've told him in the car, shouldn't have hesitated. If the crash would've come a few seconds later…

And after the crash she was too preoccupied. Those words were pushed to the back of her mind as she worked to avenge her father. Tony could wait, he always has. The thing between them was never questioned, each trusting the other enough to just _know_.

But she still wishes she could've told him. Before all this. Before time ran out.

"Tony…" She gasps, the effort of speaking really putting a strain on her.

"Don't talk. Just hold on." He presses a hand to the wound, trying in vain to stop the blood that is rushing out. She grabs his hand.

"Tony, I need to tell yo-"

"You can tell me later. Once you're better in the hospital, you can tell me whatever is on your mind. But right now I really need you to focus." She barks out a strangled laugh.

"Don't be foolish! You and I both know I won't last til then!" She knows he knows this. She knows he's putting on a face. Not just for her, but for him. She takes a deep breath (_God, the pain that comes with breathing…_) and wills for the tears to not come. There's no time for such luxuries. "Tony, I love you."

The mask drops, and he looks down on the situation, seeing it for what it is. "Zee…"

"I started falling from the start. Your stupid arrogance, your stupid dedication, your stupid grin- I was slowly pulled in. It's only gotten bigger, Tony. You and I have had many good years together as partners. I could always count on you…" Tears trail softly down his face, and she can't hold hers back any longer. She continues on in a choked voice. "You've always had my back, Tony. Through everything I've done, you've always been there for me." Another deep breath, followed closely by the pain. She knows she doesn't have long. "I've been really stupid. I counted my ducks before they hatched."

He can't bring himself to correct her, too lost in her words, hanging on for dear life. He can feel her slipping, and holds her tighter, as if that would help. "You're not stupid, Ziva. You are many things, _many_ things. But you have never been stupid."

"If only that were true. My father… my father taught me to be a soldier. To stay tough in the harshest conditions. He taught me to know when to strike, and when to wait it out." She closes her eyes briefly before opening them once more. "I should've struck. But I waited." The next minute is spent in an almost-silence, save for her labored breathing. Her legs have long since gone numb, and the hand holding Tony's seems to be going next.

There has been many times she has almost died. Her life has been surrounded with the constant threat, the gloom of Death having haunted her dreams longer than she could remember. _But he had never caught up…_

"Come on, Ziva. Don't talk like that. Just… please hold on. For me." His voice is begging, and she wishes she could give in to the command. But she can't. She fought long and hard, but her fight is just about gone.

"Tony…" As much as it hurts her, she looks into his eyes. They say the eyes are windows to the soul, and she has never hoped for a statement to be more true. _Let my eyes say what I'm not strong enough to._ She opens her mouth, and knows it's for the last time.

"Thank you. For everything. For being there. For showing me a side of myself that nobody else could reach. For never giving up on me. For… for giving me the one thing I could never get. I love you, Tony. And I hope you never forget me." With the last bit of feeling, she grips onto him tighter. "But promise me you'll be okay. Promise me that a year from now, you'll be the same Tony you have been since I met you. That you'll be arrogant, dedicated, charming, and all around _you_. Just… please…"

He can't speak above a whisper, and is thankful to be able to speak at all. "I promise." With a nod she closes her eyes, and fades out, her beautiful flame burning out into a wispy smoke. She exhales for the last time.

He cries freely now, sobs racking his entire body, the weight of her death shaking his core. Even as he feels all life drain out of her, he can't let go, only holds on tighter. If-only's and what-if's run through his mind, the regret he feels washing over him. _I should've told her, I should've told her…_ And his world is crashing, waves of emotion threatening to tear him from the spot. And still, he holds on tighter.

Sirens pierce the silence, mocking him, he thinks. _It's too late. They're too late._ And all too soon he finds himself being torn away, the men around him loading her up into a bag. _She's too good for that! Too good, too young…_

He fights to break free from their grasp, desperate to stay by her side. But in the end, it's no use.

He watches them drive off, his heart leaving with them. With her.

* * *

"Hey, Ziva. It's been awhile, huh? Too long, to be honest. I should've come before now. But… I'm here now." He looks down, not able to bring his eyes up to the stone. He notices the flowers in his hand. "Oh. These are for you, by the way. A dozen roses." He smiles ruefully. "The classic DiNozzo treatment. I would've bought you some chocolate, but I've always managed to eat them before I could ever give them out." He sets the flowers in the provided base, noticing other, fresher flowers already there. "I see the team's been around. God, you should've seen them afterwards. Gibbs locked himself in his basement for weeks, McGeek threw himself behind the computer screen, working nonstop, and Abby… She stopped smiling there for a while…" He feels himself choking up, tears threatening to spill at any moment. But he has to stay strong, has to get through this.

"But if you ask anyone, they'll tell you that I took it the worst. Hell, they've probably already told you, haven't they? They've tried to confront me about this several times… but I just can't…"

"I made you a promise, Ziva. I promised that I'd be okay, that I'll go back to being myself. I-" He bows his head, unable to stop the tears. _Weak._ "I failed you."

"How can I go back to normal if normal was you? I find myself looking at your desk, only to find a stranger in it. The team's broken, Zee… I'm broken." He looks around at some trees and clouds, still not wanting to see the gray slab in front of him.

He gathers himself one last time. "I remember that night so clearly. And it wasn't until afterwards that I realized... I never got to say goodbye." He finally turns his gaze to the stone in front of him, needing to get this out, the whole reason for his visit. "It's been a year since then. Only now have I been able to come here and get this out... Goodbye, Zee."

The cemetery grows silent once more. He lingers at the spot a moment longer, hoping to find some form of peace from this. All he got was a cold gravestone, the painful reminder of the truth. His heart still as heavy as it's been, he leaves, unable to tell when he'd be able to return.

Aht lo leh-vahd. You are not alone.

_But I am._


End file.
